So as of six o’clock this morning I am officially twenty nine years old. In some ways I feel so much older and in others I am excited to know that I have so much still ahead of me.
I always reflect on my birthday on the year gone past and what I have (not) achieved. This year feels different, this year I am honestly just so okay with the person I am and what my life is that I don’t feel compelled to dwell on failure or boast about achievements. I am happy for now to just be.
Don’t get me wrong now, my year as a twenty eight year old was a tough one. I was forced to face mortality and the truth of illness with my Mom’s condition. I chose to let go. I chose me and I chose my health over holding a grudge. D and I faced some of the toughest fights of our relationship. We planned and cancelled a wedding because the burden of drama got to us. We faced so many challenges, both with and against each other. We survived. We changed. We grew and we still love each other and still want to do this forever thing. That is love right there. There is no such thing as happily ever after. There is only waking up every day and choosing to make this person important and to go through the curve balls and moonlit moments all with the same dedication.
I learned a lot about myself as a mother, a daughter, a sister and a woman. I have taken a lot of blame for a lot of things that were not my fault. I bore the brunt of some fairly harsh (not entirely unjustified) judgement and find that after it all I am okay. Every person has walked a different path and has had different things affect their perception and I am learning to make peace with that. I cannot change what people say or do but I can certainly stop giving them screen time in my own life. I feel I no longer want or need to defend myself or my choices. I know that every decision I make is well considered and I have five people (at least) to think of each time.
There is a peace that comes with getting older that I wish I had known about sooner. I no longer get anxious at the thought of turning thirty. I look forward to it. My twenties have been so jam packed full of babies and jobs and boys and heartache and stupidity (oh the stupidity!). I am ready for the more settled decade (teenagers allowing) of nesting and nurturing our home and space.
I could bore everyone and write a long list of eleven million things to do before the zombie apocalypse but its been done and I have enough going on without the need to bungee jump hanging over my head. The only promise I am making myself for the year leading up to the big three-oh is I am reclaiming my health and my body (11kgs down in 7 weeks already! Yay me!). I am done popping out babies and need to do this for me. I do not want to drag my baby weight along into my thirties, no thanks!
What do I want for my birthday? I am getting everything I want today as I get to have my family and a lovely dinner but if I were to want gifts I would want vouchers that could help me along on my mission to make our house pretty. Makro or Builder’s Warehouse vouchers to buy DIY types stuff (I cannot explain how happy hardware stores make me), or seedlings or vouchers for Woolies or @Home or even Mr Price Home would make this old heart ever so happy!
So here’s to another year, then roll on dirty thirties 😉
My song for the year…