…that way my sole focus could be on surviving.
I saw something on Facebook earlier, I do not remember who posted it, where Emma Thompson was quoted as having said working women cannot be good mothers. There goes that idea then I suppose I will never be a good mother. Thankfully I am just logical enough to think providing basics like food and shelter outweigh my need to be a tree-hugger hippy mom who is all about crafts and kumbaya circles. There is a place for these types of moms, my family is just not the place.
Having four children means that at any given moment you are put in a position where you need to prioritise. One child’s activity may well trump another. A sick child may mean less help with homework. Exam time means the little kids get a little less of my attention. During dinner prep no one should reasonably expect anything from me as my sole priority for that time is getting dinner ready.
I have not had a haircut in over a year. I do not know what me time is. I dream about pedicures and movie dates. Realistically I cannot find the time let alone justify it when so many people always want something. Laura posted about how she copes here, the truth is I am jealous of her organised nature. I wish we had a granny who could/would help to give us a break. The only time we are ever alone as a couple is when we go grocery shopping. The only time I am ever alone is the five minutes it takes me to shower or use the toilet and even then often D will jump into the shower when I am about done to use it after me and Kyra does so love to join me in the toilet to detail, LOUDLY, what I am doing *sigh*
I have a full time job with its own demands. I have been back and forth between medical professionals with my mom in an attempt to get a real diagnosis and believe we may now be on the right track. I have tried to buoy her through her lows and reign her in on her highs. I have two kids getting ready to write exams, a four year old who is constantly threatening to kill people with anything from a teaspoon to a Sherman tank and a toddler who doesn’t sleep and when she does it is in our bed. A fat dog named Daisy who is more a cat/baby hybrid than an actual dog. She has a taste for chicken and doesn’t eat much else.
Somewhere in all the busyness of the last while I checked out of reality and spent a week watching nothing but Grey’s anatomy and Gilmore Girls which is not great when you are feeling a little down. I honestly think I can comfortably say I have been depressed for the first time in my life. I have had zero will to do anything. I am fat and miserable and feeling very sorry for myself in general.
That said today I woke up early and shook of the remnants of the ‘woe is me’s’ and have started to take more positive steps toward getting everything back on track.
I do not have an answer like Laura does. For now I am just bobbing around in the ocean taking deep breaths each time my head breaks the surface. Maybe soon I will be able to keep my head above water but for now I will take what I can get.