On self-esteem or serious lack thereof

Last week was a tough week for me. Everything was going just fine until a little argument caused D’s brother to finally say out loud what I have suspected  (known and pretended not to) that essentially I am not good enough for D.

I did not grow up with money and yes the shock/horror I fell pregnant at 16. I was never popular or particularly remarkable in any way. So this apparently puts me in a lower category because their dad worked really hard, they lived in a big house and drove fancy cars. They both played sport and had the right friends and were given all the best opportunities.

Bu 19 I had two kids, an abusive drug-addict boyfriend, no confidence and no real relationship with my mother and a dead father.

For the last 10 years I have made every wrong decision a person could make. I have trusted the wrong people, forgiven too easily and not forgiven when I should have. I have gained more weight than healthy and I know its just the facade I hind behind. While I am just fat and ugly and all full of self pity no one expects anything from me.

Being with D changed a lot of that. I trust him more than I have ever trusted any one person. I fear nothing when I am with him, fear has governed my life up until this point. Fear of being alone, of not being good enough, of failing as a mother, of what happens next and just generally fear of getting comfortable for fear it would be pulled out from beneath me.

We had a fight, D and I, a few weeks ago, that brought every issue we have had to a point. We were forced to examine whether being together was in fact what we wanted and if we saw this working for the next 50 years it was a very hard, very real conversation and we realised through probably the toughest fight of our relationship just how much we love each other and just how committed we are to making this work.

Then the fight where I was not initially involved but ended up shouldering the blame for the entire problem anyway. I don’t care that he directed his anger at me, I don’t care that D’s family don’t like me and I don’t care what they accuse me of. What stings is the idea that I am not good enough. I consider standing holding D’s hand while he was being given pethadine when he had kidney stones. I remember holding him tight when he sobbed at his brother’s wedding through the pain of not having his dad there. I remember every night we lay awake laughing and joking like teenagers. I remember the look on his face when we met our daughter and I know I love this man with everything I am and would give him everything I have just to see him smile. How can that not be enough? At what point did my everything come to hold no value?

So yes it was a hard week, I cried a lot and was angry a lot but D has stood by me and defended me and comforted me. It hurts me deeply to know that it has cost him his relationship with his brother. I can’t help but feel if he is being forced to choose, he should choose his brother and mother. 

I think I need to reclaim my self-worth this week. I have chosen to exclude these people from my life moving forward. I encourage D to make peace and be ok with his family but for me its the end of the road. I do deserve better despite not having been a model citizen thus far in my life. That said I have owned my every mistake and l have lived through all my decisions. I can deal with being judged because frankly it says more about them than me.

What D and I share is rare, it is that once in a lifetime, amazing thing that not every person gets to experience. I could not love him more if I tried. I imagine those who don’t understand will always judge.

It was a tough week but I maintain character is built from adversity.